It may be that no-one else ever reads this. I suspect that won't be the case, that a few - a select few - will get to read this. I've learnt that pen-and-paper journals are not the easiest for me to stick with, mainly because I get frustrated that I can't write as fast as my brain can think - my typing can cope better with the speed, and it's more legible.
I've been taking advice today. Advice that I've heard before, but I've not been really willing to heed because it involved struggles and fights. And the little girl inside of me wants to scream that I've already had enough fights in my life thank you very much, I could do with something being easy for once. Thankfully there's a grown-up managing to get their voice heard too - that actually there are a lot of things that come easy to me in life, that have been handed to me on a plate, I just choose to forget them when it suits me.
So I am choosing to lay aside child-like things - child-like attitudes, child-like actions, everything that focuses on the short-term. Being a kid, it's hard to look long-term, but I'm an adult so I can choose to have a different perspective, based on my experience.
I had a look at the book of Proverbs tonight, and to my shame it has this to say, right at the start:
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
9 They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.
Wow. How many times have my parents given me encouragement and teaching - and I refused to listen, simply because they were my parents. They didn't understand, they didn't really know me, they didn't really care - because if they did, they wouldn't say these things. That was my mindset. And then a friend shared their wisdom tonight, and so much of what they said mirrored what my mum and dad have so often said. Another example of my childish responses - refusing to heed my parents. Hmm. Challenges.
So what is this all about. What I feel like I am all about. My weight. It's always been there, like a millstone. And now, as I told one friend today, I feel like a hippo who has swallowed a beer barrel.
Enough has got to be enough. These days my weight is life-limiting. Rather unhelpfully, a recent medical showed that in many ways I am in great health - I could have almost done with a scare to get me on track. Not sure it would have kept me going for long though, fear is rarely a successful long-term motivator. Instead, what has to motivate me is what is out there, waiting for me, if I choose to let go of my faithful companion, excess weight. And boy has it been faithful - stuck with me through thick and.... well, thick really. Generally just more 'thick' than anything.... oh hec. No, no going back. Only going forwards. You know, I have this odd ambition that I've never told anyone before - I want to rock climb. I want to be strong enough to clamber up even a basic climbing wall, and not feel scared that if I slip, the person on the other end of the rope is going to end up with serious injuries trying to save me. I know, some people want to dance, wear a pretty dress, etc, etc - I want to rock climb.
So, here's my goals:
1. To have lost four pounds by the time I go to the USA.
2. To have lost a total of fourteen pounds by my birthday on 17 August.
3. To go rock climbing on a climbing wall next June, 2013.
There will be other goals to add on the way, but that's what I'm going for. I'm going to be praying for God to show me which friends would best support me on this journey - because going solo is so not a good deal for me. But I'm going to get on with it now. No holding back. Just making a decision to move is liberating :)
